I just posted on twitter about not having blogged for a while due to lack of laptop but also feeling inferior to other autistic bloggers who I feel are so much more articulate and succinct than I could ever be.
Should I explore why I feel like that?
I’ve had to unfollow (and been unfollow education in return) a somewhat prominent autistic account due to their complete refusal to accept self diagnosis as valid. (By the way, I am by no means throwing shade at this person, they are totally entitled to their own opinions and I respect that). Whilst I vehemently disagree with their opinion, I think I’ve subconsciously taken on board their negativity.
I identify as autistic. I’m proud of it. I can tickets almost every box, relate to so many autistic feelings and experiences. I’ve had 2 psychiatrists tell me they would place me on the spectrum. I got through the first round of assessment with a clinical psychologist and am waiting for an appointment for full diagnosis to come through.
But I’m not “official” yet. Does that matter? It does to some people. It shouldn’t matter to me but I guess it does in some ways.
Some days I forget that I’m autistic. I think that’s because I’m just me and immediately going about my life the way I always have done. I don’t know any different.
Some days I feel full on autistic. I have the social anxiety, sensory issues, perseverating, hyper focus etc.
And some days I feel like a fraud. What if all my “traits” just happen to be a coincidence? What if ultimately, I’m just a flawed human being? (99% of the time I don’t see my autistic traits as flaws at all, if you’ve followed me on Twitter for a while you’ll know this).
What if I turn out to be wrong about this explanation for why I am the way I am? What if all my struggles of the past (and present) are simply because I’m a fuck up of a person?
Am I clinging to the idea of being autistic because I’m so desperate to have a reason for all my failures? Am I subconsciously looking for a scapegoat?
But it feels right. It feels so fucking right. The label fits me like a glove. It DOES explain why I am the way I am. I DO identify with other autistic people because I CAN relate to them and their experiences. The #actuallyautistic community feels like home because it IS.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever struggled with your identity in this way?
The Aspie Mermaid x