For more than a few days now, I’ve felt ok. This worries me. I’m waiting to crash back down to rock bottom. But my mind has adjusted itself to a place where I actively don’t want to hit rock bottom again.
Instead of just passively waiting for it to happen, I’m enjoying feeling ok. So what has changed? I’ve been spending more time with my daughter due to it being the Easter Holidays. I’m being a mum again. This was kind of forced on me for reasons I won’t go into. I was anxious as hell about it but it’s going well so far.
Edit: The first two paragraphs of this post were saved as a draft a few weeks ago. I’m still feeling ok. I haven’t had a bad day for a long time (or what is relatively a long time when you’re suffering from depression). My moods seem to have stabilised, whether that’s due to my medication, something in my thought processes has changed or a combination of the two.
I’m trying to just go with it and not over analyse. A lot has changed in the past few weeks that could have been a make or break for me. Luckily it was the former and I have been going from strength to strength. My daughter being back home has helped our relationship. She had to live with my mum for a while because I wasn’t well enough to look after her. During this time she became unhappy and frustrated because when I saw her, I pretended I was ok, to shield her from what I was really feeling. However, this meant that she didn’t understand why she couldn’t come home because as far as she could see I was fine.
I’m very open with her about most things. She knows about my Aspergers and my mental illness. She understands as much as she can but I try not to forget that she is only a 9 year old child. We’ve had few problems since she’s been home though. Any behaviour has been dealt with appropriately and I’ve been able to cope with the times she’s thrown a strop.
Me not working has had a massive impact on our family life. I can drop her off at school rather than her having to go to breakfast club. She has been walking home from school and going out to play which means her friendships have developed (something she has always struggled with and my own issues with socialising have not helped) as well as her independence. She is more active and eating less.
This also means that I get a good amount of time to myself which I still really really need at the moment. We have found ways to spend time together that we can both enjoy so both our needs are met. If she needs to burn off some energy, she can go over to the park or take her bike out for a spin.
We have also made some changes to the house, made it a bit more organised and better suited to our lifestyle. The house is once again clean and tidy and I am managing to keep on top of housework, something that became severely neglected when I was really ill. The major task was the garden. At my lowest point, even walking to the bin at the end of the garden was too much to bear so I just threw bin bags out the back door. This continued until I had a literal mountain of rubbish. My wonderful family came over at the weekend and helped me clear it all. I still need to mow the lawn and dig up the weeds but it looks ten times better.
I look forward to my days now. I enjoy having a clean and tidy house, being able to read and binge watch tv when I want to. I’m not sleeping all day, and when I do have a nap I feel guilty for wasting time that could have been used productively.
I still get extremely exhausted and drained from social interaction. I need regular breaks on my own. But I am in recovery. Finally. And it feels good
The Aspie Mermaid x