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The Autistic Mermaid

Month

March 2016

OK

For more than a few days now, I’ve felt ok. This worries me. I’m waiting to crash back down to rock bottom. But my mind has adjusted itself to a place where I actively don’t want to hit rock bottom again.

Instead of just passively waiting for it to happen, I’m enjoying feeling ok. So what has changed? I’ve been spending more time with my daughter due to it being the Easter Holidays. I’m being a mum again. This was kind of forced on me for reasons I won’t go into. I was anxious as hell about it but it’s going well so far.

Edit: The first two paragraphs of this post were saved as a draft a few weeks ago. I’m still feeling ok. I haven’t had a bad day for a long time (or what is relatively a long time when you’re suffering from depression). My moods seem to have stabilised, whether that’s due to my medication, something in my thought processes has changed or a combination of the two.

I’m trying to just go with it and not over analyse. A lot has changed in the past few weeks that could have been a make or break for me. Luckily it was the former and I have been going from strength to strength. My daughter being back home has helped our relationship. She had to live with my mum for a while because I wasn’t well enough to look after her. During this time she became unhappy and frustrated because when I saw her, I pretended I was ok, to shield her from what I was really feeling. However, this meant that she didn’t understand why she couldn’t come home because as far as she could see I was fine.

I’m very open with her about most things. She knows about my Aspergers and my mental illness. She understands as much as she can but I try not to forget that she is only a 9 year old child. We’ve had few problems since she’s been home though. Any behaviour has been dealt with appropriately and I’ve been able to cope with the times she’s thrown a strop.

Me not working has had a massive impact on our family life. I can drop her off at school rather than her having to go to breakfast club. She has been walking home from school and going out to play which means her friendships have developed (something she has always struggled with and my own issues with socialising have not helped) as well as her independence. She is more active and eating less.

This also means that I get a good amount of time to myself which I still really really need at the moment. We have found ways to spend time together that we can both enjoy so both our needs are met. If she needs to burn off some energy, she can go over to the park or take her bike out for a spin.

We have also made some changes to the house, made it a bit more organised and better suited to our lifestyle. The house is once again clean and tidy and I am managing to keep on top of housework, something that became severely neglected when I was really ill. The major task was the garden. At my lowest point, even walking to the bin at the end of the garden was too much to bear so I just threw bin bags out the back door. This continued until I had a literal mountain of rubbish. My wonderful family came over at the weekend and helped me clear it all. I still need to mow the lawn and dig up the weeds but it looks ten times better.

I look forward to my days now. I enjoy having a clean and tidy house, being able to read and binge watch tv when I want to. I’m not sleeping all day, and when I do have a nap I feel guilty for wasting time that could have been used productively.

I still get extremely exhausted and drained from social interaction. I need regular breaks on my own. But I am in recovery. Finally. And it feels good

The Aspie Mermaid x

“You look amazing!”

This is something that is being said to me more and more recently. The reason? I have completely changed my appearance. I have lost a lot of weight, changed my hair style and colour, bought new clothes, and wear different make up.  Continue reading ““You look amazing!””

Party (A Poem)

A warm glow emanating.

Shivering like dust particles in the ray of the door ajar.

Jam slicked across skin like blood drops.

The beat pulsating.

Heartbeats racing.

Vodka makes the world go round.

Pictures spinning.

Crowds.

Black is slimming.

Shake it down.

Shake it out.

Swiftly moving on.

Onwards and upwards.

Top of the stairs.

No place for chairs.

A bed perhaps.

A momentary relapse.

Betrayal.

Heat, rooms quenched in sex.

Taste it in your lungs.

Thick beats.

Sticky sheets

A hangover made of regret.

 

 

Thoughts

My family don’t understand.

I’m making their lives hell as well.

I don’t know what to do for the best.

I can’t see a way out.

I’m being punished but I don’t know what for.

The people who hurt me are living happy lives.

Why am I the only one in pain and suffering?

I feel like giving up.

The voice of strength within me is weak today.

I’m punishing myself.

I just want someone to give a shit about me.

I don’t know what normal is anymore.

I don’t know what I want normal to be.

How many times can I do this?

There is nothing in this world that will make me better.

I take my pills like a good girl.

Maybe they’re not helping.

Maybe they’re highlighting my flaws.

Maybe I’m meant to be alone.

Maybe that’s why I keep failing.

The Aspie Mermaid x

Lightbulb Moments

So, here’s the situation: i’m being made redundant. I have worked for a fantastic charity for six years now. The first three were on the ‘frontline’ supporting people who were experiencing homelessness for a variety of reasons, ie addiction, offending, mental health etc. The past three I moved into a slightly different role of designing and delivering training and education, and running a number of small to medium sized projects alongside that. I’m also currently ‘off sick’ because unfortunately my mental health has deteriorated to the point that I’m unable to competently do a job properly.  Continue reading “Lightbulb Moments”

Alexithymia

What is Alexithymia? Until a few days ago I hadn’t even heard of it myself. I quickly googled then rapidly forgot about it. Then today via twitter I read this blog post by insideaclockworkowl which got me thinking about it again. Seeing it written about by someone else with Aspergers made me question whether it is something that I suffer from too.  Continue reading “Alexithymia”

International Women’s Day

I can’t really scramble my thoughts together into anything resembling coherence but I didn’t want this day to pass without writing SOMETHING about International Women’s Day 2016.  Continue reading “International Women’s Day”

Progress

Are you making progress?

I can’t tell

Surely that fact that you’re still here, today,

Shows progress in itself?

But shouldn’t it be more?

You could do more, you know it.

You’re not doing much

While your waist is wasting away.

And that thigh gap you claimed not to want gets increasingly achievable.

You’re not doing enough and you know it.

While you’re whiling away time

ticking absolutely nothing off the bucket list

before you kick the bucket.

You use fiction to escape.

But what are you escaping from?

I can’t see anything worth hiding between the pages for.

Nothing incriminating or discriminating.

Come out come out wherever you are.

The Phone Battery Analogy

It’s widely known that people with Aspergers can become extremely exhausted after social interactions. Coupled with being a natural introvert, this doubles the exhaustion. Extroverts gain energy from spending time with other people. They actively seek out social situations in order to feel good. It works the opposite for introverts and Aspies. Social interactions drain us physically, mentally and emotionally. Most neurotypical people I have spoken to have a hard time understanding this concept and how it works so I devised the Phone battery Analogy to help explain it.  Continue reading “The Phone Battery Analogy”

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